Men, you are not being excluded from my list today! You all need to pull up your pants, and get them tailored ASAP. Like, what are you doing?! Are you for real about those pants? I’m not asking you to wear skinny jeans, but look at it this way: what if you fall and rip your boxers open without realizing. Everyone would see your butt crack! How embarrassing would that be? I’m embarrassed just thinking about it, but I tend to get embarrassed easily… Maybe that wasn’t the best example.
Fellas, you don’t look thuggish or sexy with your boxers hanging out of your low, baggy jeans. It’s the equivalent of women letting their bras show through their shirt. You look like you started to dress yourself, but forgot how to do it and left the house shortly after giving up.
If you’re looking to be a straight playah, get one of those mugs with brass knuckles for the handle. That means business. Not into coffee? Say it with your gang bandana. Not into gangs? I get it, man. And yes, my gang is Hufflepuff if you were wondering.
You want to be a straight playah and you want to say it with your wardrobe. I’ve got the perfect way to do it. First spread old timey gun powder all over your body. Nothing is scarier than someone who smells like they’ve just shot something, and also like they have a large collection of guns that they know how to operate. Then grab those famous Ellen DeGeneres undies. We all know she’s the meanest B- preaching kindness, and nothing scares evil people like love (thank you Harry Potter for teaching me that fact). Now that nobody is going to be messing up your business, you’re nearly there. I know you’re thinking that I haven’t covered the part where you ooze masculinity. Don’t worry, I got that too. Just pull your genitals out through the zipper of your pants. The more you rub up against, and get caught in the zipper, the more immune you’ll be to it. Then, once you’re immune, everyone will respect you and your junk (no matter the size).
Otherwise, please find a different phase that isn’t so exposing. You could be the guy who loves pugs! You could draw cartoons that say, “pugs not thugs” where pugs are dressed as thugs and the thugs dress up as pugs. That will make everyone happy. So please, let’s pull up those pants and keep it real. Thug life.
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