Top 5 Fashion Pet Peeves- #1: Tights as Pants

Tights are not pants! They are a thinner fabric and because of that, I can see all of your crevices. Now, I’m not saying that there is something wrong with cellulite, because I don’t subscribe (to the best of my ability) to the pressures of society’s “normal” beauty. Ladies, Gentlemen, we are all beautiful, and unique, and spectacular forms of the human flesh. What I do mean, is that when people wear tights as pants, it leaves nothing to the imagination. I can also sometimes see your underwear through it and it makes me uncomfortable.

      Tights are not pants! Tights are designed to be like panty hose, but without that annoying under the toenail thing they do. I mean, don’t take my word for that as I haven’t done any official investigations, but the signs are obvious. That means that you should always wear your tights with a dress just like you would if you wore panty hose.

     Tights are not pants! They are also not yoga pants, tight sweat pants, or your skin. Let’s leave it that way.

     Tights are not pants! I recently saw a thing online about a “trend” happening in Japan where they put panty hose on their dog’s legs so they look like little people. It was creepy. How about we all agree not to do that too? Okay, good, thanks.

      Tights are not pants! I’ve sort have run out of things to say because this topic is just too plain and simple.

     TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS.

Top 5 Fashion Pet Peeves- #2: Potato Sack Dresses

There is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than boxy, potato sack-like dresses. Sometimes I see women who put a belt on with it, and it makes it look awesome! My pet peeve is the woman who leaves it as a big, boxy blob.

      Skin tight dresses can be equally unflattering, but imagine you bought that simple dress and accessorized it to delicately emphasize your womanly figure. Gurl, you would look smashing! It’s honestly a hipster trend, and like any other hipster trend, I don’t understand it.

      I want to sit down with a hipster and wrack their brain. I need to know the inner workings of how that piece of unremarkable cloth makes it from Urban Outfitters, to their bedroom, to their body.

      I know when I go dress shopping, I try on a lot of things, there’s a lot of frustrated glares at my wiggly bits, followed by a pep talk about how curvaceous I am, followed by me leaving the store with a new awkwardly sassy stride. Once I try something on that hides all the right parts and flaunts all the other parts, I get really excited, grin stupidly at myself (sometimes posing in the mirror) then buy it casually like it’s no big deal and like I wasn’t at the mall for eight hours.

      Is it the same process for the women who buy the potato sacks? Do they grab the billowiest article they can find, go into the change room and glare at themselves if it flaunts too much of their natural form? Do they make their way to the next hipster haven and try, try, try things on? When they do find something they like, do they wink at themselves behind their big fake plastic glasses and buy the dress pretending like it’s not a big deal for them? Do they then go outside, put on their newly purchased garment, pulling out the sides of the dress like wings and then fly home? I’d like to think so.

     Urban Outfitters should have a sale where when you buy a dress like a potato sack, you also get some actual potatoes to go with it. You know, for dinner. I think hipsters would really appreciate that too since so many of them are baristas and likely can’t splurge on fine dining.